Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  June 12, 2012 11:00pm-11:30pm PDT

11:00 pm
i am not in the mood for this today. apparently, some homeless people broke into the old offices and destroyed everything. - homeless people. can't trust 'em. know what i mean? they're a foul, foul breed! thanks for, uh-- - ecch! gross! - nice! >> jon: 12, the 2012. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is dale dill with jon stewart. (cheers and applause)
11:01 pm
>> jon: hey, everybody, welcome to "the daily show"! wow! thank you! i'm an it idea. i was looking the wrong way! i was like, oh... ah! our guest tonight is colin powell. was every guest this week, i'll be handing him a cup of soda and a cup of weed. (laughter) and then just doing this for six minutes. (laughter) here at "the daily show" we poke a decent amount of5af fun at ma figures, politicians, perhaps at times unfairly so. every now and again a politician comes along who is just truly terrible. (laughter) and really deserving of more scorn than even we can dole out in our nightly 21:30 wise ass-a-thon. (laughter) i give you florida governor and mr. clean impersonator-- if mr. clean had... (laughter)
11:02 pm
if mr. clean had for some unknown reason restricted his caloric intake for a period of time. (laughter) rick scott. you may remember governor scott from his law requiring all florida welfare recipients to be tested while refusing to submit to one himself. >> governor, you benefit from hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars every year so would you be-)m willing to pee o this cup to prove to florida taxpayers that you're not on drugs? not using that money for drugs? (laughter) >> jon: the governor's refusal meant that aasif mandvi had to make aasif mandvi governor smoothies without its secret ingredient. (theb. governor's urine) (laughter) anyway, governor scott's cost-cutting welfare program-- while dehumanizing to those needing public assistance-- did save the state of florida... negative
11:03 pm
$45,000. (laughter) well, now the governor and former lead singer of midnight oil has turned his attention... (cheers and applause) ... to an even more pressing issue: florida's vast stores of registered yet ineligible voters. >> republican governor rick scott says florida's voter purge if you will, is aimed at clearing registration rules of non-citizens. >> jon: wow. people who live in fear of deportation yet insist on voting. (laughter) there must be tens of those. (laughter) but hey whatever it takes to get those people off your voter roles, i'm sure there's no unintended consequences. >> the miami "herald" have found "hispanic, democratic and independent-minded voters are the most likely to be targeted by the state's purge." >> jon: so, no unintended consequences. (laughter) voteer purge disproportionately targets hispanics.
11:04 pm
right about now black people in florida have to be feeling pretty good about themselves. (laughter) nothing being done to keep them away from the polls. >> in florida, the early voting period has been cut from 14 days down to eight and eliminates the sunday before election day. >> african americans are twice as likely as whites to vote early. in fact, the sunday before election day there are drives by the churches to get out the:mz e because the polls are open the sunday before the election. >> jon: why can't they just go to church on saturday like the rest of florida? (laughter) a voter purge weighted against hispanic voters, closing the polls on a day many african american voters cast their ballots. nice try, governor! and taller of the two twin peaks backwards talking guys. (laughter) that's right, governor, you heard me! you mildly resemble character actor carol franken.
11:05 pm
boom! it's that easy! anyway your little plan didn't work because you forgot to suppress another powerful influx voters-- the newly registered. >> florida's republican governor rick scott signed a new law last year, anyone who registers voters in the state have to hand in all completed forms no later than 48 hours to the minute after the applicants have originally filled them out. >> jon: is that tour from law necessary? how would it even work? we sent john oliver to> most rational people view florida's new tour from voter registration law as a common-sensed bulwark against fraud. but some crackpots like the league of women voters president diedre mcnabb fail to see how great it is. >> this tour from timeline i would describe it as an insurmountable barrier. our volunteers don't have time to run down to their supervisor of elections office every time
11:06 pm
we get voter registrations. >> but you can't be trusted with those forms for longer than 48 hours. >> i think our record of 72 years with no problems, blemish-free record shows that we are trustworthy. >> well, 72 years of not getting caught and for that i'll congratulate you. (laughter) >> thank you. >> and because of this law, third-party registration groups like the league have left florida and new voter registrations are down almost 20%. but the֖g this is a necessary sacrifice to protect the santty of our electoral process. >> it's a balance. we want to make it's easy to vote and hard to cheat. i think this will help in that effort. >> so you want to increase voter turnout bypassing this law even though it decreases the amount of people registering to vote. >> first of all, it doesn't have to. >> it doesn't have to. it just does. (laughter) sfrnlt well, the point is any amount of voter fraud is too
11:07 pm
much. >> exactly! and sacrificing 20% of newykñ vr participation is nothing compared to the horrors of voter fraud which, according to the brennan center for justice, happens at a terrifying rate of .0004%! (laughter) >> any group that comes up with a number that specific is blowing smoke through their ass. >> right. you always want to be suspicious of specific numbers. >> look, the detected voter fraud that you prosecute and put people in jail for may be one number. but there's a lot of voter fraud out there you can never catch because it's so easy to do! >> so voter fraud statistics are limited only as much as your imagination. (laughter) and the people whose job it is to catch fraud-- like elections supervisor ann mcfall couldn't be more grateful to have this law in place. >> the law doesn't make any sense. i don't see the fraud in voter registration. it just isn't happening. >> but, anne, i'm not talking about voter fraud that has happened. i'm talking about the voter fraud that might have happened.
11:08 pm
>> where did you get these ideas? >> john fund. >> who? >> having a short window so you have to turn in the form quickly lessen it is chance for mischief. >> right. mischief. >> these are government forms. we don't necessarily want them floating out there for too long. >> if you give them anything longer than 48 hours they will go on a hell-bound bender that you would not believe. ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> well, we don't know. but the longer you don't turn something in the more you just misplace it accidentally. you don't turn some of them in if you don't like them. there's a danger. they could misuse that information. >> well, that 48 hours now seems far too long. what about 12 hours? sure they's much safer. >> the point is they made it 48 hours. that >> that's the perfect balance of hours. >> yes.
11:09 pm
>> he was right. florida lawmakers have found the perfect solution to stop all this post-tour from mischief. >> what! >> it's a figment of your imagination. >> exactly! and you don't seem to have any imagination. close your eyes. imagine thousands upon thousands of cases of voter registration fraud. ♪ ♪ can you see it? >> no. >> so you don't see a goat walking off with a voter registration form? >> no, not in this state. >> but, anne, no offense, you're just saying that because you're a democrat. >> that shows you didn't do your home work. i'm a republican. >> regardless, the fraud deniers in the federal courts have managed to temporarily suspend this tour from rule, leaving groups like the league of women voters free to get into hypothetical mischir like this.
11:10 pm
this hasn't happened and it won't happen and that is why it must be stopped. >>
11:11 pm
11:12 pm
11:13 pm
(cheers and applause) >> jon: of all barack obama's 2008 campaign promises, one remains conspicuously undo.pcn his pledge to close the infamous prison at guantanamo bay. that's actually shawshank redemption. that's magneto. that's... i don't know what that is. that's... oh, wait, that's a youtube video of the president... there we go. there we go. gitmo. when president obama first took office it seemed like closing gitmo would be a priority. he even made it a subject of one of his first executive orders. long story short, congress pushed out and we're keeping prisoners in cuba to keep americans safe because there's no way anybody could ever get to america from cuba. (laughter) well, anybody six and under could never get here. if only someone would get down there and report on this strange prison limbo. >> reports tonight on all the things we taxpayers are paying for. >> jon: hmm?
11:14 pm
>> a controversial heavily guarded soccer field, price tag $7 50,000. also enriching your life classes where detainee cans learn to paint, write a resume, even handle personal finances. >> jon: a resume? (laughter) that seems optimistic. >> 21 cable t.v. channels. d.v.d. movies, newspapers and a library. they've got 13,000 books in the library here, all kinds of books even "harry potter" in russian and arabic. >> jon: ooh, i wonder if they have "harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban" where inmates are kept in a creepy ocean-bound prison in a state of limbo until they eventually go... oh, okay. they've probably seen that one. (laughter) i get it, obama can't make the moral case for republicans closing guantanamo so he's trying to make the tea party financial case. >> hi, jon, how are you? >> jon: wait, i know that voice.
11:15 pm
>> hey, everybody! >> jon: hey, it's gitmo! our favorite guantanamo detainee. >> hi, jon! >> jon: you look ridiculous. you look like a fabbrioox jay muppet.t-(laughter) or an old school islamic rapper. is that a ms. pac-manama sheen? >> yeah! cost u.s. taxpayer a lot of money! gitmo love playing with pac-man. get chased by women in burkas! (laughter) the remind gitmo of gitmos wives back home! (audience reacts) >> jon: gitmo, i'm pretty sure that those are ghosts, not... >> huh? gitmo's wives dead? waaah! gitmo hate america! gitmo get revenge. (ululating) (laughter)
11:16 pm
>> jon: no, they're ghosts in the game gitmo. those aren't burkas. i'm sure your wifes are fine. >> oh. well gitmo still get revenge. >> jon: how are you planning to do that? >> get america drunk in prison, paying to take care of gitmo and friends. >> jon: gitmo! i hardly think you can... >> one second, jon, time for gitmo to order gitmo's lunch. hold on. (laughter) hold on, let me see what we got. (laughter) gitmo have lobster... make that two. baby back ribs and a mojito. >> jon: wait, i thought pork and alcohol were against your religion. >> they are. but revenge isn't! (ululating) >> jon: thank you, gitmo. gitmo, ever
11:17 pm
11:18 pm
11:19 pm
11:20 pm
(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back, my guest tonight, a four star general, secretary of state in the george w. bush administration. his new book is called "it worked for me." please welcome back to the program general colin powell. (cheers and applause)
11:21 pm
nice to see you. >> nice to see you, good to be back, jon, thank you. >> jon: nice to see you. you've got another book "it worked for me in life and leadership." colin powell, 13 things that you do that you believe if other people do them they can be a four-star general and secretary of state. >> absolutely. (laughter) >> jon: what are... what would you say if you had to distill it down the general consensus of your recipe? >> if you look at the 13 rules, just take the first one and last one you essentially have the book. the first one says it will look better in the morning. no matter how bad things look. go to bed with an optimistic attitude, convey that optimism to your followers and it will look better in the morning. >> jon: you're not a drinker, are you? (laughter) because when you're a drinker it's actually reversed. (laughter) >> it doesn't mean things will
11:22 pm
look better in the morning, it's an attitude. and the last rule, 13, says perpetual optimism. always be being optimistic. it's a force multiplier. in the military that means you have leverage to change things and so all of the rules say be optimistic. have confidence in yourself. train your people.lrp be kind to people. pretty simple rules. they were in my first book but they were just little listing. this time i expanded the whole chapter. >> it's interesting. we've had on a bunch of guys from that administration, a bunch of people that were involved, obviously, in the runup to iraq, rumsfeld, dr. rice, john bolton, richard pearl, doug fife. there's a lot of books. >> quite a cast. >> jon: yeah. you're the only one i have that ever talked to who has expressed any regret about the intelligence leading up to it, planning mistakes, and you're the only one with military
11:23 pm
experience. and you think that thatõf has se correlation to your own... i find that the military guys that i meet are very into finding out what went wrong, trying to fix it. was there any correlation with your military experience to that? >> absolutely. i have a doctrine that's attributed to me that when you go into a conflict first of all see if you can avoid it but political and diplomatic and economic means but if you have to, go in decisive with the force necessary to get the job done and i don't think that was done in this case i of course regret the u.n. speech that i give a became the prominent presentation of our case but we thought it was correct at the time. the president thought it was correct. congress thought it was correct. they passed an overwhelming resolution in support of the president's action but mine is the one that's remembered. and of course i regret that it turned out dash lot of it was wrong. >> jon: maybe this speaks to
11:24 pm
what you're saying about instincts but it turned out the information of the wrongness of it was there but never brought to fore, maybe as forcefully as it should have been, the fact that it was a guy named curveball, one guy on the aluminum tubes for rockets not centrifuges. >> curveball is the case in point because he was the source of this back tier logical van that was supposed to be there. but when i was being briefed and putting my speech together they said they had four different sources for that. >> jon: sure, curveball, spit ball, screwball. (laughter) >> and what kind of set me off when it was over and we realized it had come apart, we never talked to them. the germans talked to them and the germans had warned us about this fellow and after it was over and we found no weapons of mass destruction they said why did you listen to this guy in the first place? and people said we didn't think it was that solid in the beginning.
11:25 pm
and the answers have never been fairly clear. but a lot of that information was on point. i can tell you right now that if saddam hussein stayed there and his regime stayed in place and he got out of u.n. sanctions you would have seen weapons of mass destruction coming back. he had the capability and he used them before against his own people. i'm glad he's gone. i'm glad the iraqi people have a chance to build a more stable proper representative government. >> the first part i'm much more in agreement. with (laughter) i'm not saying... not that he's a bad guy but i'm not... it's interesting because in the doctrine of what... i don't know who says it. was it einstein who said you cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war? do you find sometimes that in the preparation for it because of the focus necessary to take a country to war that it tends to create a momentum and it sort of moves its of its own volition towards conflict as a posed to
11:26 pm
purpose of it which was as as threat dim diminishment? >> military force has to be on the table in any potential conflict. you want to solve it diplomatically, economically, but once you start thinking about the military there is a certain momentum and that's why politicians and generals have to be care to feel control that so it doesn't become the driver, political and economic and diplomatic peace becomes the driver and when they fail put in military force. i've always been called the reluctant general for that reason. >> jon: it's always the guys in the military who are reluctant because i think they know the cost of it. when you look at the things about optimism, has it been difficult for you-- a guy with a sterling record-- has this one sort of very kind of glaring blot that you feel... how do you get over that personally? it is a blot. i answer this question about
11:27 pm
that u.n. speech everyday. >> jon: that's why i asked it. >> your didn't have to keep the record going. >> jon: (laughs) you're right. >> but you have to get over it. i make this clear in the book and in other ways talking to young people. things will go wrong. things will be seen as a failure. you have to get over those. i was still secretary of state, i still had work to do so i had to figure out what happened as best i could and roll it up in a ball, throw it over my shoulder and try to.... >> jon: learn from it. >> learn from it that you have to bore down more deeply than we did at that time with respect to intelligence and, of course, the intelligence system has been reorganized, all sorts ofers were put in to make sure that didn't happen again.kñdi we have a director of national intelligence sitting on top of it all and i think the congress could have done a better job in examining it. >> jon: don't you dare besmirch the name of congress, sir. (laughter)
11:28 pm
they are patriotic americans trying to dress themselves and feed themselves. (laughter) stick around for a few more minutes? >> sure. >> jon: "it worked for me" is on the bookshelves now.
11:29 pm